35 Funny Roasts to Say to Your Friends

Friendship is all about having fun, sharing laughter, and occasionally roasting each other in good spirits. A well-timed roast can add a dash of humor to your conversations, turning mundane moments into unforgettable ones.

Friendship is all about having fun, and what better way to keep things entertaining than with some hilarious insults for friends? If you and your best friends love friendly banter, this list of funny roasts will have everyone laughing. 

Whether you’re looking to tease your friends or lighten the mood, here are funny roasts to say to your friends that are sure to elicit laughter (and maybe a playful glare).

Top List Of Funny Roasts to Say to Your Friends

• “I’d call you a clown, but that would be an insult to clowns.”
• “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”
• “You’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
• “I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”
• “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
• “If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.”
• “You’re like a light switch—off and on, but mostly off.”
• “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
• “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
• “I’d call you a joke, but that would mean you’re funny.”
• “You’re like a software bug—annoying and hard to fix.”
• “You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.'”
• “You’re like a candle in the wind—useless and prone to melting.”
• “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
• “I’d tell you to act your age, but that would be illegal.”
• “You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.”
• “You’re like a phone without service—useless.”
• “You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”
• “You’re like a slinky—fun to watch fall down the stairs.”
• “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
• “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
• “You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You’re proof that even evolution takes a few steps back sometimes.”
• “You’re like a penny—two-faced and not worth much.”
• “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
• “You’re like a software update—nobody wants you, but we deal with you anyway.”
• “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
• “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
• “You’re like a cloud of mosquitoes—always around and always annoying.”
• “You’re like a candle—without you, I’d be fine.”
• “Your jokes are like expired milk—sour and unnecessary.”

1. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”

A clever way to poke fun at someone’s lack of understanding.

Examples:

• “You really thought that was a good idea? I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”
• “When they’re confused about something, just say, ‘I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.’”
• “I love how you try to keep up; I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”

2. “You’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”

A funny roast that compares a friend to something annoying.

Examples:

• “Every time you show up, it feels like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
• “You have that update vibe; you’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
• “I’m busy trying to avoid the update, so please, you’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”

3. “I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”

A cheeky way to make a point about someone’s behavior.

Examples:

• “You’re so annoying. I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”
• “When they ask for advice, just say, ‘I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.'”
• “Your antics are ridiculous; I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”

4. “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”

A playful jab at a friend’s lack of common sense.

Examples:

• “You’re really something else. You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”
• “Whenever I see you do something silly, I think, ‘You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.’”
• “Your decisions make me wonder. You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”

5. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

A light-hearted way to suggest someone is a downer.

Examples:

• “You know what? You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “We need more sunny days! You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “Your presence is like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!”

6. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”

A classic roast that’s bold and straightforward.

Examples:

• “Honestly, you’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
• “When you’re being difficult, I remember: you’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
• “You’ve perfected annoying me; you’re the reason God created the middle finger.”

8. “You’re like a light switch—off and on, but mostly off.”

A fun way to comment on a friend’s lack of enthusiasm.

Examples:

• “You know, you’re like a light switch—off and on, but mostly off.”
• “When you’re not in the mood, just remember: you’re like a light switch—off and on, but mostly off.”
• “You need to be more enthusiastic; you’re like a light switch—off and on, but mostly off.”

9. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

A witty way to highlight a friend’s flawed reasoning.

Examples:

• “You really think that? I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “When they share a crazy idea, say, ‘I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.’”
• “You know that’s not true, right? I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

10. “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”

A sarcastic roast that’s sure to get a laugh.

Examples:

• “Honestly, you bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
• “It’s a blessing; you bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
• “Every time you step out, we all feel it—you bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”

11. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”

A light-hearted jab at someone’s thought process.

Examples:

• “You know, you’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
• “I can’t believe you said that! You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
• “You have some interesting ideas—you’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”

12. “I’d call you a joke, but that would mean you’re funny.”

A clever roast that playfully insults without being harsh.

Examples:

• “You crack me up! I’d call you a joke, but that would mean you’re funny.”
• “When they try to be funny, say, ‘I’d call you a joke, but that would mean you’re funny.’”
• “You always say the wrong thing; I’d call you a joke, but that would mean you’re funny.”

13. “You’re like a software bug—annoying and hard to fix.”

A playful roast that hints at a friend’s stubbornness.

Examples:

• “You’re really something else! You’re like a software bug—annoying and hard to fix.”
• “Every time you do that, I think, ‘You’re like a software bug—annoying and hard to fix.’”
• “Your antics make me laugh; you’re like a software bug—annoying and hard to fix.”

14. “You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.'”

A witty roast that’s sure to elicit laughter.

Examples:

• “Honestly, you’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.'”
• “Sometimes, I wonder: you’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.'”
• “You keep making things complicated; you’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.'”

15. “You’re like a candle in the wind—useless and prone to melting.”

A funny way to comment on someone’s fragility.

Examples:

• “You’re so dramatic; you’re like a candle in the wind—useless and prone to melting.”
• “Every time we hang out, I feel it—you’re like a candle in the wind—useless and prone to melting.”
• “I’m not sure how you handle life; you’re like a candle in the wind—useless and prone to melting.”

16. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”

A clever roast that emphasizes someone’s lack of substance.

Examples:

• “When you start rambling, I think, ‘You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.’”
• “In deep conversation, I sometimes wonder—are you serious? You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
• “Your arguments make no sense; you’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”

17. “I’d tell you to act your age, but that would be illegal.”

A humorous jab at someone’s immaturity.

Examples:

• “You’re so childish! I’d tell you to act your age, but that would be illegal.”
• “When they throw a tantrum, say, ‘I’d tell you to act your age, but that would be illegal.’”
• “You need to grow up! I’d tell you to act your age, but that would be illegal.”

18. “You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.”

A funny roast that highlights someone’s lack of common sense.

Examples:

• “You know, you’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.”
• “Every time you do something silly, I think, ‘You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.’”
• “Your thoughts confuse me; you’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.”

19. “You’re like a phone without service—useless.”

A playful roast that emphasizes someone’s unhelpfulness.

Examples:

• “When you’re not helping, I think, ‘You’re like a phone without service—useless.’”
• “We could use some assistance! You’re like a phone without service—useless.”
• “Honestly, you’re like a phone without service—useless.”

20. “You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”

A blunt roast that’s sure to get a laugh.

Examples:

• “You know, you’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”
• “Every time you say something silly, I think, ‘You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.’”
• “You make me laugh; you’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”

21. “You’re like a slinky—fun to watch fall down the stairs.”

A humorous way to comment on someone’s misfortune.

Examples:

• “You’re so clumsy; you’re like a slinky—fun to watch fall down the stairs.”
• “When you trip, I think, ‘You’re like a slinky—fun to watch fall down the stairs.’”
• “You’re hilarious; you’re like a slinky—fun to watch fall down the stairs.”

22. “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”

A cheeky roast that compliments and teases simultaneously.

Examples:

• “When you walk in, I think, ‘If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.’”
• “You have such a unique look; if laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
• “You always make me smile; if laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”

23. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”

A classic roast that highlights someone’s lack of contribution.

Examples:

• “You know what? You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
• “When you offer help, I think, ‘You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.’”
• “Your input is lacking; you’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”

24. “You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”

A fun roast that lightens the mood.

Examples:

• “Every time you try to be serious, I remember—you’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”
• “You’re always making me laugh; you’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”
• “When you say something ridiculous, I think, ‘You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.’”

25. “I’d call you a clown, but that would be an insult to clowns.”

A bold roast that is sure to get a laugh.

Examples:

• “You’re so goofy; I’d call you a clown, but that would be an insult to clowns.”
• “When you tell a bad joke, I think, ‘I’d call you a clown, but that would be an insult to clowns.’”
• “Your antics are hilarious; I’d call you a clown, but that would be an insult to clowns.”

26. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

Why it Works

This one is playful yet sharp, perfect for some roasting humor with friends.

Example Texts

• “Dude, I swear, every time you leave, the sun shines brighter.”
• “We should put you in weather forecasts: ‘Cloudy with a 100% chance of disappearing.’”
• “Love you, but I love the peace and quiet more.”

27. “You’re proof that even evolution takes a few steps back sometimes.”

Why it Works

A little dark humor joke makes this roast sound clever rather than mean.

Example Texts

• “Darwin called. He wants to have a word with you.”
• “Man, I think you skipped a few evolutionary upgrades.”
• “Natural selection must have taken a lunch break with you.”

28. “You’re like a penny—two-faced and not worth much.”

Why it Works

Simple, classic, and straight to the point—an ultimate roast for a playful insult battle.

Example Texts

• “You remind me of a penny, but at least a penny has some value.”
• “If I had a nickel for every time you annoyed me, I’d be rich.”
• “Heads or tails? Either way, you’re a handful.”

29. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”

Why it Works

It’s lighthearted and doesn’t call someone outright dumb, just unfortunate—a great witty comeback.

Example Texts

• “I swear, you have a talent for picking the wrong answers.”
• “If thinking were a sport, you’d be on the bench.”
• “Your brain must have a mind of its own—too bad it’s out of service.”

30. “You’re like a software update—nobody wants you, but we deal with you anyway.”

Why it Works

Tech humor is relatable and fun, making it a legendary banter moment.

Example Texts

• “I keep postponing hanging out with you like a software update.”
• “I didn’t ask for you, but here you are, updating my patience.”
• “If you were a pop-up, I’d find a way to block you.”

31. “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”

Why it Works

A classic friendly roast that never fails to get a laugh.

Example Texts

• “You’re like WiFi with bad signal—annoying when you’re here, relief when you’re gone.”
• “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe stay absent longer.”
• “I think my happiness levels just jumped 100%—oh wait, you left.”

32. “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”

Why it Works

A great roast for a chatty friend—perfect for a playful joke.

Example Texts

• “Trust me, I’ll never spill your secrets. I wasn’t listening anyway.”
• “Sorry, what? I tuned out after ‘I need to tell you something.’”
• “You think I remember everything you say? That’s adorable.”

33. “You’re like a cloud of mosquitoes—always around and always annoying.”

Why it Works

Comedic exaggeration makes it a hilarious insult for best friends.

Example Texts

• “Swat! Oh wait, that’s just you again.”
• “Your presence is like summer mosquitoes: unwanted but persistent.”
• “You’d be great at surviving—no one can seem to get rid of you.”

34. “You’re like a candle—without you, I’d be fine.”

Why it Works

A funny twist on a sentimental phrase—ideal for teasing remarks.

Example Texts

• “I mean, you add ambiance, but I can totally function without you.”
• “You light up the room… unfortunately, the wrong way.”
• “You’re warm, but also annoying when you get too close.”

35. “Your jokes are like expired milk—sour and unnecessary.”

Why it Works

A roast that hits especially hard for a friend who loves bad jokes—an epic burn.

Example Texts

• “Dude, that joke aged worse than my leftovers.”
• “Your humor needs a refresh. Maybe try 2025?”
• “Let’s put your jokes in the fridge; they’re going bad fast.”

User-Friendly Texting Examples

Here are texting-friendly roasts you can send your friends:

1. “You bring everyone joy… when you leave the chat.”
2. “You’re like a software update—nobody asked for you.”
3. “If stupidity was a superpower, you’d be invincible.”
4. “Your jokes should come with a laugh track, because no one’s laughing.”
5. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one.”
6. “You’re proof that even evolution takes a step back sometimes.”
7. “If being annoying was an Olympic sport, you’d have a gold medal.”
8. “Your brain must be on airplane mode.”
9. “You’re like a cloud—annoying and blocking the sun.”
10. “You’re the human version of autocorrect—always messing things up.”
11. “You bring everyone together… to complain about you.”
12. “Your ideas are like expired coupons—useless.”
13. “If sarcasm were money, you’d be bankrupt.”
14. “You’re proof that WiFi signals aren’t the only thing that can be weak.”
15. “You have something special—no, not intelligence, just ‘something’.”
16. “Your best comeback was when you hung up.”
17. “You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.”
18. “Your jokes land about as well as a penguin trying to fly.”
19. “You’re like a participation trophy—technically here, but not really winning.”
20. “You should put ‘under construction’ in your bio—your brain’s still loading.”

Conclusion

A good roast should always be fun and lighthearted. Whether you’re engaged in a roasting game, exchanging clever insults, or just enjoying some sarcastic remarks with your friends, keeping the tone friendly is key. Roasting humor is all about delivery—so pick your moment wisely! Got a favorite sassy comeback from this list? Use it in your next insult battle, and let the laughter roll!

Olivia Bloom

𝐈’𝐦 𝐎𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 “𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫. 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬. 𝐈 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞. 𝐀𝐭 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬” 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐝𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫.