25 Funny Roasts to Say to Your Ex

Breaking up can be tough, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it! Sometimes a clever roast can be the perfect way to express your feelings while lightening the mood.

 Whether you’re looking for some playful banter or just want to show your ex that you’ve moved on, here’s a collection of 25 funny roasts to say to your ex that will surely get a laugh (or an eye roll).

Top List Of Funny Roasts to Say to Your Ex

1. “You’re like a software update: whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
2. “You were like a candle in the wind—pretty but useless.”
3. “If I had a dollar for every time you messed up, I’d have enough to buy myself a new personality.”
4. “I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”
5. “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”
6. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
7. “You have the perfect face for radio!”
8. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”
9. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
10. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
11. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
12. “I’d say you’re like a light bulb, but that would imply you bring brightness.”
13. “You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”
14. “You’re like a software bug—always crashing my vibe.”
15. “If I wanted to hear from you, I’d turn on the TV.”
16. “You’re like a bad haircut—everyone sees it, but no one says anything.”
17. “You’re like a spam email: annoying and unwanted.”
18. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
19. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
20. “You’re like a WiFi signal—weak and unreliable.”
21. “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
22. “I hope your next relationship is as great as you think you are.”
23. “I would call you a joke, but I’m afraid you’d take it seriously.”
24. “You’re like a bad penny—always turning up when I don’t want you.”
25. “Congratulations on your promotion to ‘ex’—it suits you.”

1. “You’re like a software update: whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”

This roast plays on the universal annoyance of software updates, implying that your ex is just as unwelcome.

• Example 1: “I don’t have time for you; I’m busy ignoring my phone!”
• Example 2: “Seriously, it’s like seeing an update notification every time!”
• Example 3: “I’d rather deal with a blue screen of death than you!”

2. “You were like a candle in the wind—pretty but useless.”

A playful jab that compares them to something that looks nice but doesn’t do much.

• Example 1: “You flicker, but there’s no real flame!”
• Example 2: “All that beauty and no substance!”
• Example 3: “Just like a candle, you melted away when things got tough!”

3. “If I had a dollar for every time you messed up, I’d have enough to buy myself a new personality.”

This roast implies that your ex has made many mistakes, enough to warrant a financial gain.

• Example 1: “I’d be rich and have options!”
• Example 2: “I could afford a personality upgrade after all those errors!”
• Example 3: “Let’s just say I’d have a mansion by now!”

4. “I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”

This roast cleverly diminishes their value by likening them to something that isn’t helpful.

• Example 1: “You’re more of an accessory that I never needed!”
• Example 2: “I’d rather have a hammer that works than you!”
• Example 3: “At least a tool has a purpose; you’ve lost yours!”

5. “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”

A humorous way to imply that your ex is a step backward in the evolutionary chain.

• Example 1: “Talk about a regression!”
• Example 2: “You’re the exception to natural selection!”
• Example 3: “It’s like nature took a wrong turn!”

6. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”

A classic roast that highlights the lack of utility in your ex.

• Example 1: “Seriously, what do you even add to the equation?”
• Example 2: “You don’t write; you just create messes!”
• Example 3: “No point in keeping you around!”

7. “You have the perfect face for radio!”

A clever way to suggest that they aren’t visually appealing.

• Example 1: “No one’s tuning in for you!”
• Example 2: “Keep the sound coming; leave the visuals out!”
• Example 3: “You’d be perfect for a voiceover role!”

8. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”

This roast implies that they’re too clueless to understand a simple explanation.

• Example 1: “Maybe try looking it up yourself?”
• Example 2: “If only I had a translator for your nonsense!”
• Example 3: “Good luck deciphering what I said!”

9. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

This roast highlights the relief that comes when they’re not around.

• Example 1: “Just like the sun shines brighter without you!”
• Example 2: “Rain or shine, I prefer my peace!”
• Example 3: “The forecast is clear when you’re gone!”

10. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

A witty way to dismiss their opinions.

• Example 1: “Let’s keep the mistakes to a minimum!”
• Example 2: “Your logic is a bit skewed!”
• Example 3: “I’d rather stay on the right track!”

11. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”

A bold roast that gets straight to the point.

• Example 1: “Congratulations on your special recognition!”
• Example 2: “Some people just deserve that gesture!”
• Example 3: “You’ve made it very clear why it exists!”

12. “I’d say you’re like a light bulb, but that would imply you bring brightness.”

This roast diminishes their impact by comparing them to a light bulb that doesn’t shine.

• Example 1: “More like a dimming bulb—hardly illuminating!”
• Example 2: “You flicker in and out of usefulness!”
• Example 3: “You barely light up a room!”

13. “You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”

Implying that they don’t truly deserve recognition.

• Example 1: “Congratulations on mediocrity!”
• Example 2: “Everyone gets one; yours just shines the least!”
• Example 3: “You don’t stand out; you just blend in!”

14. “You’re like a software bug—always crashing my vibe.”

A modern roast that references annoying software issues.

• Example 1: “You really know how to ruin a good time!”
• Example 2: “Your presence is a total system failure!”
• Example 3: “Just when things get fun, you show up!”

15. “If I wanted to hear from you, I’d turn on the TV.”

A dismissive roast that implies they’re not worth your time.

• Example 1: “Your opinions are just background noise!”
• Example 2: “You’re not on my watch list!”
• Example 3: “Let’s keep the channel changed!”

16. “You’re like a bad haircut—everyone sees it, but no one says anything.”

A gentle yet humorous way to address their shortcomings.

• Example 1: “You know it looks bad; don’t pretend!”
• Example 2: “Everyone’s thinking it; I’m just saying it!”
• Example 3: “At least a haircut can grow out; you’re stuck like this!”

17. “You’re like a spam email: annoying and unwanted.”

This roast implies they’re just a nuisance in your life.

• Example 1: “I didn’t ask for your unwanted presence!”
• Example 2: “You’re just filling my inbox with junk!”
• Example 3: “Spam is better; it at least comes with offers!”

18. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”

A playful jab at their decision-making skills.

• Example 1: “It’s like you can’t catch a break in the brain department!”
• Example 2: “Your thoughts just take the wrong turn every time!”
• Example 3: “Maybe it’s time for a brain reboot!”

19. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”

Implying that they’re blissfully unaware of their flaws.

• Example 1: “You’ve found the secret to happiness—stay clueless!”
• Example 2: “Your bliss is quite the mystery!”
• Example 3: “Keep it up; ignorance suits you!”

20. “You’re like a WiFi signal—weak and unreliable.”

A modern roast that implies they can’t be depended on.

• Example 1: “You drop out at the worst times!”
• Example 2: “Your strength is just non-existent!”
• Example 3: “Can’t rely on you for anything!”

21. “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”

A sarcastic way to point out that they’re better off not around.

• Example 1: “The energy just shifts positively!”
• Example 2: “It’s like a breath of fresh air!”
• Example 3: “People start smiling the second you walk out!”

22. “I hope your next relationship is as great as you think you are.”

A sassy roast that implies they have an inflated sense of self-worth.

• Example 1: “Good luck finding someone who buys your hype!”
• Example 2: “You’ve set the bar high for mediocrity!”
• Example 3: “I can’t wait to hear how that works out for you!”

23. “I would call you a joke, but I’m afraid you’d take it seriously.”

A playful way to suggest they lack self-awareness.

• Example 1: “You might laugh, but I’d be worried for you!”
• Example 2: “Not everyone gets the punchline!”
• Example 3: “You might just think it’s a compliment!”

24. “You’re like a bad penny—always turning up when I don’t want you.”

This roast suggests they just can’t take a hint.

• Example 1: “I thought we were done with this currency!”
• Example 2: “You’re the least wanted change in my pocket!”
• Example 3: “Why can’t you just stay lost?”

25. “Congratulations on your promotion to ‘ex’—it suits you.”

A playful way to suggest that they fit their new role perfectly.

• Example 1: “You’ve finally achieved your true calling!”
• Example 2: “Your performance review was long overdue!”
• Example 3: “You wear that title with pride, don’t you?”

Conclusion

Sometimes a good roast can help you find closure or just share a laugh about the past. Remember, the best roasts are light-hearted and fun, so use them wisely! Whether you’re trying to amuse your friends or just want to feel better about your breakup, these funny roasts can be a great way to express yourself with humor.

Poppy Snow

𝐈’𝐦 Poppy Snow 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 ” 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫. 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬. 𝐈 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞. 𝐀𝐭 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬” 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐝𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫.