25 Funny Roasts to Defend Yourself Against a Bully

Dealing with a bully can be tough, but sometimes, a clever comeback is all you need to turn the tables. Roasting a bully with humor not only diffuses tension but also showcases your confidence.

Here’s a list of 25 funny roasts to help you stand your ground while keeping it light-hearted.

Top List Of Funny Roasts to Say to A Bully

“Did your brain just reboot?”
“You must be a magician!”
“Do you come with instructions?”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
“I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”
“You’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
“You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”
“If I wanted to hear from an a**hole, I’d fart.”
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”
“You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
“I’d call you a joke, but that would imply you’re funny.”
“You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
“You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
“You’re so full of yourself, I can’t even fit in the same room.”
“I’d make a joke about your life, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t be a stretch.”
“You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.”
“I’m not saying you’re a problem, but you might want to consider the problem being you.”
“You’re like a software bug: annoying and hard to get rid of.”
“I’d call you an idiot, but that would be an insult to stupid people.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
“You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo.”
“I’d say you’re full of hot air, but that would be an insult to balloons.”
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.”

Descriptions and Examples

1. “Did your brain just reboot?”

A playful jab that questions their intelligence.

Example 1: “Did your brain just reboot, or is that your permanent state?”
Example 2: “Did your brain just reboot? Because you’re acting like a total noob!”
Example 3: “I think your brain just rebooted. Welcome back to reality!”

2. “You must be a magician!”

A funny remark implying they make things disappear—like their common sense.

Example 1: “Wow, you must be a magician! Because every time you talk, my patience disappears.”
Example 2: “You must be a magician! You make all sense vanish.”
Example 3: “Are you a magician? Because your logic is just disappearing!”

3. “Do you come with instructions?”

This roast suggests they are confusing and difficult to understand.

Example 1: “You’re like IKEA furniture; do you come with instructions?”
Example 2: “Do you come with instructions? Because I can’t figure you out!”
Example 3: “Seriously, do you come with instructions? Because I’m lost.”

4. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

A smart retort highlighting their flawed logic.

Example 1: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong, and I can’t have that.”
Example 2: “Oh, I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be on the same dumb level.”
Example 3: “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. Let’s not do that!”

5. “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”

A sarcastic way to express that their presence is unwelcome.

Example 1: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room—thanks for that!”
Example 2: “Honestly, you should leave more often; it brightens our day!”
Example 3: “You bring so much joy when you leave; it’s like a breath of fresh air!”

6. “I’d call you a tool, but that implies you’re actually useful.”

A clever roast implying they are useless.

Example 1: “I’d call you a tool, but then I’d be insulting actual tools!”
Example 2: “I’d call you a tool, but that would imply you have some usefulness.”
Example 3: “You know, I’d call you a tool, but tools do things; you don’t!”

7. “You’re like a software update—whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”

A witty comparison that suggests they are annoying.

Example 1: “You’re like a software update—always interrupting at the worst times!”
Example 2: “Seeing you is like a software update—always at the wrong moment.”
Example 3: “You remind me of a software update; I just want to skip you!”

8. “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes.”

A humorous way to imply they are not very bright.

Example 1: “You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes—thanks for being here!”
Example 2: “Congratulations! You’re proof that evolution can miss the mark!”
Example 3: “You must be the reason evolution has a sense of humor!”

9. “If I wanted to hear from an ahole, I’d fart.”**

A bold and funny response that leaves no doubt about their character.

Example 1: “If I wanted to hear from an a**hole, I’d fart—so let’s skip it!”
Example 2: “Oh, I would ask you for advice, but if I wanted to hear from an a**hole, I’d fart.”
Example 3: “You know, if I wanted to hear from an a**hole, I’d just fart!”

10. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

A clever way to suggest their absence is welcomed.

Example 1: “You’re like a cloud; when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!”
Example 2: “When you leave, the sun comes out—you’re like a cloud!”
Example 3: “You know you’re like a cloud; everything gets brighter when you go!”

11. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”

This roast pokes fun at their lack of understanding.

Example 1: “I’d explain it, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home!”
Example 2: “Sorry, I can’t explain. My English-to-Dingbat dictionary is out of reach!”
Example 3: “You know, if I had my English-to-Dingbat dictionary, this would be easier!”

12. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”

A humorous way to suggest their poor judgment.

Example 1: “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking!”
Example 2: “You’re not dumb; it’s just your brain has poor luck!”
Example 3: “You know, it’s not that you’re stupid; it’s just bad luck for your brain!”

13. “I’d call you a joke, but that would imply you’re funny.”

This roast cleverly implies that they aren’t entertaining at all.

Example 1: “I’d call you a joke, but that would imply you’re funny!”
Example 2: “You’re not a joke; you’re just sad.”
Example 3: “I’d call you a joke, but jokes actually make people laugh!”

14. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”

A cheeky way to suggest they are annoying.

Example 1: “You’re the reason God created the middle finger!”
Example 2: “You know, they say every finger has a purpose. Yours must be for that!”
Example 3: “Thanks for being the reason God invented the middle finger!”

15. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”

A clever and funny remark suggesting they lack substance.

Example 1: “You’re like a broken pencil—totally pointless!”
Example 2: “A broken pencil? Yep, that’s you—no point at all!”
Example 3: “You know, if you were a pencil, you’d be broken and pointless!”

16. “You’re so full of yourself, I can’t even fit in the same room.”

A funny way to point out their arrogance.

Example 1: “You’re so full of yourself, I can’t even breathe in here!”
Example 2: “Wow, you’re so full of yourself, I might need to step outside!”
Example 3: “Seriously, with how full you are of

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yourself, it’s like there’s no room for anyone else!”

17. “I’d make a joke about your life, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t be a stretch.”

A clever way to imply that their life is already a joke.

Example 1: “I’d make a joke about your life, but honestly, it’s already a punchline!”
Example 2: “I’d joke about your life, but I don’t want to be that mean!”
Example 3: “Making a joke about your life? Too easy—no challenge at all!”

18. “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.”

A witty remark about their tendency to say dumb things.

Example 1: “You have the right to remain silent—please use it!”
Example 2: “I’d suggest you stay quiet; your words usually hurt more than help!”
Example 3: “You know what? Just remain silent; it’s safer for everyone!”

19. “I’m not saying you’re a problem, but you might want to consider the problem being you.”

A bold statement implying they are the source of issues.

Example 1: “I’m not saying you’re the problem, but have you looked in the mirror lately?”
Example 2: “I wouldn’t call you a problem, but you should definitely self-reflect!”
Example 3: “You’re not a problem; you’re just a walking disaster!”

20. “You’re like a software bug: annoying and hard to get rid of.”

A tech-inspired roast that cleverly compares them to a frustrating bug.

Example 1: “You’re like a software bug—just when I think I’ve gotten rid of you, you pop back up!”
Example 2: “Honestly, you’re like a virus; no matter how hard I try, you just won’t go away!”
Example 3: “You know, if you were a software bug, I’d need a better program to deal with you!”

21. “I’d call you an idiot, but that would be an insult to stupid people.”

A humorous way to elevate their stupidity.

Example 1: “I’d call you an idiot, but that would just be rude to real idiots!”
Example 2: “You know, calling you an idiot would be an insult to the idiots of the world!”
Example 3: “Honestly, I can’t call you an idiot; that’s just too generous!”

22. “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”

A humorous roast suggesting their appearance is laughable.

Example 1: “If laughter is medicine, your face is a whole pharmacy!”
Example 2: “You know, your face must be saving lives with how much people laugh at it!”
Example 3: “If laughter heals, your face must be the cure for everything!”

23. “You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo.”

A clever remark suggesting they lack common sense.

Example 1: “You’re the reason there are instructions on shampoo—clearly, it’s needed!”
Example 2: “Honestly, you should come with instructions too; I can’t figure you out!”
Example 3: “You know, your life must be complicated—thank goodness for shampoo instructions!”

24. “I’d say you’re full of hot air, but that would be an insult to balloons.”

A funny roast that implies they talk too much without substance.

Example 1: “You’re so full of hot air, it’s a wonder you don’t float away!”
Example 2: “Honestly, if you were a balloon, you’d be the one that just wouldn’t pop!”
Example 3: “If I said you were full of hot air, balloons would get offended!”

25. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.”

A humorous way to highlight their lack of awareness.

Example 1: “If ignorance is bliss, congratulations, you must be living the dream!”
Example 2: “Wow, you must be so happy; ignorance really suits you!”
Example 3: “You know, with how oblivious you are, you must be the happiest person alive!”

Conclusion

Using humor to counter a bully can not only protect your dignity but also give you a confidence boost. These 25 funny roasts are great for reminding bullies that their words and actions have little power over you.

Remember, the key is to stand tall, laugh it off, and keep your spirits high! With these comebacks, you’ll be equipped to handle any situation that comes your way. So next time a bully tries to bring you down, hit them back with a clever roast and watch them think twice before they mess with you again!

Poppy Snow

𝐈’𝐦 Poppy Snow 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 ” 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫. 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬. 𝐈 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞. 𝐀𝐭 “𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬” 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐝𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫.

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